Have you met your shadow self?

“The privilege of a lifetime is knowing who you are” ~ Carl Jung

It hasn't been easy, this year has been a mixed bag. I lost my precious dog to cancer, went through a brutal break up and had my heart shattered into pieces. 

I discovered a hidden door, I grabbed a hold of the knob and turned it open, as it made a squeaky sound I stepped hesitant into the dark cold empty room. I found a girl curled up in a skeletal figure, eyes filled with shame, fear and anger. I asked her name, she said I am survival, I am what got you to where you are today, you are ashamed of me, you have abandoned me, trapped me and starved me. I am your shadow, my name is survival Maha. I took her hand and embraced her, I told her that I was sorry, that I did not know that she existed. That she can feel safe now, she can fully express her needs and that she is loved unconditionally. Come with me, I said, come out to the light, no need to survive anymore, no need to hide anymore, no need to scream desperately begging to be acknowledged and no need to sabotage. You are safe dear one. I took her hand and we walked out together in unity into the light. 

As we walked out, I saw a dark scary cave, I intuitively understood that I had to enter. As I hear the echo of my footsteps approaching this little girl, a fearful child with tears in her eyes and snots all over her face. I asked her name, she said I am inner child, you have abandoned me, trapped me and starved me. I am your inner child, my name is little Maha. I took her hand and gave her the warmest and most compassionate hug. I told her that I was sorry and that I did not know that she existed. That she can feel safe now, she can come out and play! She can make a mess, eat all the candy that she wants and that even if she doesn’t do her homework she will be unconditionally loved, protected and radically accepted. Come with me, I said, come out to the light no need to hide anymore, no need to be afraid of the mean grown-ups. You are safe my dear one, and I took her hand and we walked together in unity out into the light.

There were many more versions of me, feminine Maha, student Maha, employee Maha, friend Maha and others I have yet to meet. 

The terms shadow integration and inner child healing were completely new to me. I did not know that trauma, especially developmental trauma, causes a disconnect from oneself. Literally a part of you becomes frozen in time and completely disconnected. It hides from you as you grow, it's the only way you are able to survive growing up in an unsafe environment. So you don't even know that part of you exists. 

You see the Buddhist monks sit and pray for challenges for hours at a time, because they fully understand that it is through the challenges, through the heartbreaks, that is where the light enters you. I am grateful for my challenges because they bring me closer and closer to wholeness. The literal translation of the term "yoga" is union. When you blend your breathing with your movements and your mind, this integration - union of all systems of the body - sheds all the layers and the walls that have been built up as a protective mechanism, and you are able to see things more clearly. 
 

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”~ Rumi

The degree of your success will only be equal to the degree of your willingness to heal and integrate yourself. The quality of your relationships will never exceed the level of your healing. The quality of your career or business can never exceed the level of your healing. The quality of your finances can never exceed the level of your healing. All developmental areas in your life, are merely a mirror, a report card, a reflection of what is happening inside of you. The most important voice, is the one in your head. The only judgement that matters is the one you have of your self. The only relationship that matters is the one you have with your self. Because everything else that is outside of you, is a reflection of the inside, it is your shadow.

Your purpose in this school of life is to gravitate towards union, towards wholeness and towards oneness. Union within you and union around you. My daily yoga practice has been my refuge in difficult times and in good ones too, and it has never failed me. Trust your yoga practice because it works in the most mysterious ways! Through yoga you you find yourself when you did not even know you were lost. 

BALI BLISS is the most profound yoga retreat I have yet to lead! Meet me in Ubud, Bali.