Love and Marriage
Disclaimer - This article will discuss heavy topics like sexual violence, abuse, depression, self-harm, suicide, and more. Please stop reading if any of these themes may be potentially triggering to you.
In Yemen, where both my parents come from, arranged marriage still does exist and is commonly practiced. Women are treated like sheep, they are bought and sold, sold by their father to a husband that was chosen for them. There is a dowry involved, a prospective husband pays a lump sum to the father in exchange for his daughter. It is a business deal between two men, with very little say from the women of the families involved, including the bride-to-be. Since men and women do not socialize in that region. Not in schools, not in restaurants, not in social gatherings, not even in weddings. Women have to cover up, in black, from head to toe, wearing a hijab or burqa and men really never see women behind the black veil, unless it's their mother or sister. More about that process in later chapters.
My grandmother had an arranged marriage at age 9. She told me that she didn't even hit puberty yet when she was married. She did not even get her first menstrual cycle until after she had her first newborn baby. That’s how young she was! She surprisingly married a kind man though, she said that he was gentle with her, loved her and treated her well. They got pregnant quickly after they were married. He fought during the revolutionary war, when military leaders in Sana'a launched a revolutionary movement on September 26, 1962, which attempted to overthrow the monarchy and establish the Yemen Arab Republic. He died a hero and tragically, never got to even meet his newborn daughter. A widow with a baby at 10 years old, my grandmother was left heartbroken and terrified. She did not know what the future would hold for them. In Middle Eastern cultures, being widowed or divorced, even during these modern days, a young woman is considered damaged goods, and a burden on her family. So my grandmother’s father arranged another marriage for her as quickly as he possibly could. I'm not sure who raised her baby daughter, my aunt, it was never mentioned in our family, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't good, because later in life my aunt committed suicide. The family rarely talked about her and the suicide. My grandmother ended up marrying my grandfather, my mother’s father. He was a lot older than my grandmother, at least 25 years older if not more. I think she was maybe 12 years old when they got married. You see during that time, babies were born at home and there was no hospital or institution that issued birth certificates, so even my parents are not sure what exact year they were born. For religious reasons birthdays are rarely celebrated in Yemen, the idea is that you being born is not important and it's an egotistic practice to celebrate one's birthday. Only religious holidays should be celebrated.
My grandfather was married to three other women at the same time, and during his life married eleven women total. Even in modern times, a man is legally allowed to be married to four wives at the same time in the Muslim religion. My grandmother was considered to be a rare beauty, because she was light-skinned, like in most of the world, especially during that time, the color of one’s skin determines their level of privilege and beauty. So she was his favorite, the young pretty one. My grandfather was violent, cheap and unpleasant. Even though his favorite, he still treated her poorly, brutally physically, sexually and emotionally abusing her whenever he felt like it. He knew she didn’t love him, and used the other wives to make her jealous. Ironically, my grandmother was never jealous of the other wives. I remember her telling me that when he would leave her to go spend time with the other wives, that she was actually relieved, because she was afraid of him most of the time, and she was just so happy that he was away from her. It was the only time she felt safe and could have a restful night of sleep. My grandmother was soft spoken and gentle. She lived a very fearful and sad life. Never experienced love other than that brief marriage that lasted less than 2 years with her first husband. She never forgot about him, when she would talk about him, it was the only time I would see her face light up, his loving memory lived with her until the very last days of her life.
In yoga philosophy, there is this concept about seeds. It states that your current reality, the life that you have right now, with everything in it, the good and the not-so-good, is the result of seeds that you planted in the past. In this moment that you are in right now, and in every moment, you are planting seeds with your thoughts, what you are thinking will grow and flourish in your future. Every time you think or talk about those seeds, you are watering them and tending to them until they become a garden that is your life. That is the reason why the present moment, or as Eckhart Tolle calls it The Now, is considered sacred in most ancient philosophies, wisdom traditions and religions. As modern science is now finally able to measure and prove what is happening in the brain, it is able to catch up with what the yogis have known for thousands of years. We now know from a neuroscientific level, as we discussed in the previous chapter, if you are not fully aware of the present moment, then the subconscious mind will take over. Whatever program is in the subconscious mind, whether positive or negative, is making all of your decisions for you. Therefore, creation is happening in the present moment. What you are thinking right now, the way you are thinking it (your mindset), what you are feeling, the way you are being (your habitual vibration) in this present moment, is a seed that will create your future.
The words I AM are the most powerful words in our existence, whatever word you say after the words I AM, that is who you become. So be very careful what you say after these two sacred words. If you say I am poor, I am an idiot, I am a loser, then that is who you become. That is the seed that you are planting that will grow in your future. That is how you create a cycle that repeats itself. If you replace those expressions of limiting beliefs with empowering truths and say I am worthy, I am intelligent, I am loved, then that is what you create. That is the seed that you are planting that will grow and manifest in your garden, your reality. If you plant rotten seeds, rotten fruits will sprout. If you plant good healthy seeds, nourishing and fresh fruits will sprout. You see, there is an intelligent consciousness that resides within you, it is an organizing intelligence. It is the same intelligence that is circulating the earth around the sun without missing a beat. Your brain is listening to every word you say. Your brain is like a GPS, if you type in the destination it will take you exactly where you want to go. The more specific you are, the easier it will be for you to arrive at your exact destination. For example, if you are in New York and want to travel to California and type in the destination in your GPS, California. Then the GPS will take you to California, it might take you to the most dangerous city and neighborhood in California or it might take you to Bel Air or to one of the most gorgeous beaches in Malibu. But if you type in the street number, street name, city and state then it will take you exactly to that specific location. Most people focus on the past, because they view it as evidence of their reality, and call it being “realistic”. They’ve never been to Bel Air, so they are looking at what is in front of them, their current reality. But what is in front of them is a result of seeds that were planted in the past, and as they focus on what is in front of them, meaning, the fruit of past rotten seeds, they create more of that. You must plant new healthy seeds. Seeds that you won’t find in your current reality because they do not exist yet, because your current reality is based on past rotten seed. That’s why you need to use your imagination, be creative, find inspiration, be resourceful and have a strong belief system because you are creating something that you have not seen or experienced in the past.
There are also seeds planted by your parents before you were even born, and their parents before them. Your existence itself is a result of a seed that was planted. Some people call it karma, some people call it cause and effect. Those limiting beliefs that were planted, by your parents and their parents before them, in your subconscious mind during your early formative years, were also seeds. Those seeds continued to grow and manifested in areas in your life where you now struggle and feel stuck.
My grandmother was married twice. My mother was married twice. I was married twice. So when I fled to the United States in 2006, I left all that turmoil back behind me in Yemen, but Yemen didn't leave me. I was still thinking the same deeply rooted fearful thoughts, and recreating the same generational results, just with different characters in my life. Therefore it is no surprise that I struggled with dating, relationships, men, sex, trust, giving and receiving love. My mind was living in the past even though my body was in the present. It wasn't until I stepped into my first yoga class, that I learned what the practice of embodiment means. To embody the reality that I want to create. How does it feel to be safe in my body? How does it feel to feel powerful in my body? For example, a pose like Warrior I or Virabhadrasana I, you are making yourself big and taking up space, you are priming your body to look like a warrior. Since yoga (when taught traditionally) is a meditative practice, the mind begins to catch up. Research has shown that these poses access certain areas in the brain that correspond with ferocity and courage. So when you change your physiology meaning your body you are changing your brain. The Lazar lab in Harvard University led by Sarah Lazar, Ph,D., studies the impact of yoga and meditation on various cognitive and behavioral functions. Their results suggest that meditation can produce experience-based structural alterations in the brain. They also found evidence that meditation may slow down the age related atrophy of certain areas of the brain.
When I stepped into my first yoga class, I heard for the first time in my entire life, the voice of self-love. Practicing yoga and meditation completely healed and transformed me, shedding and sweating off the limiting beliefs and victim narratives. One pose at a time, one breath at a time and one meditation practice at a time. Only then did I feel strong enough in my body and strong enough in my mind, to step into my own power and manifest my best life. Doing the work that I deeply love, passing along the teachings of yoga that saved my life!
I truly want the same for you. I want you to live your best life possible and reach your highest expression! To sing your song and shine your light. This is the purpose that drives all the work that I do, that is why I created Bali Bliss yoga retreat. It is not your average yoga classes at a nice resort. It is a curated yoga program where each day I will guide you through a somatic yogic technique that allows you to peel off all the layers of limiting beliefs and past rotten seeds, to find the truest part of you, the unstoried part of you.